Of course, thinking I'll do it and carrying through are different things...

Because of my situation with the loss of my mother last November and the amount of time I now spend alone I find that my usual day-dreaming has taken a different turn. I wonder if this is nostalgia.

At some point I must have decided, sub-consciously, to look after mum. She was so ill after my dad was killed that the shock nearly carried her off within months. In fact, she survived by almost forty years and was quite well in the middle part of that. Somehow, though, she always seemed fragile and sometime along the way my decision made itself.

I could never quite commit myself to anyone else: there was always a little niggle in the back of mind and it's not fair to involve somebody else half heartedly. Anyway, the upshot is that I am now alone and I knew it would come to this eventually - probably. It was my choice.

I find that spans of years have become very interesting, if that's the word. It's true they get shorter as you age! For instance January 1988 seems so recent that I can almost recall in detail what work I was doing but the equivalent 20+ years leading up to that date seems to contain a lifetime of variety and be many times as long.

But I lie in bed comparing groups of years to other groups of years and marvelling, in some cases, how much time has passed since some events. Too much introspection I suppose.

And what do I feel? Sort of 'cut off' is the only way I can describe it. I am still in limbo and assume that it is a manifestation of grief. I have been quite grateful that I did not have a prolonged period of frantic grieving like some people seem to have. I must admit I am still occasionally mugged by bouts of tears but they are short and it is only six months. I am in a bubble.

Another reason for unnecessary thinking is that I am having to consider retirement: due later this year. If mum was around it would be an easy decision because she needed the company having become less able to get out and about. As things are, it is not so simple: I'd like to go in some ways but I'd miss the actual code-cutting (real) part of my job and I'm concerned about finances. I have paid quite a large percentage of salary into a pension plan for decades and, had I been retiring ten years ago, I'm sure I'd have been fine. However my pension fund has suffered like many peoples' in recent years and is now worth much less.

My company does not encourage part-time work or I'd consider that. My working week is 37.5 hours but we mostly do a little more so that we can break off at a convenient point: it is normal in programming. A basic six hour day (with commensurate salary reduction) would be very interesting and I might make up some of the lost money if I could use my pensioner's travel pass! We normally get twenty days annual holiday plus eight public holidays and I can see no way to vary that. Actually, when I say 'normally' I do get four more having earned an extra day for each of my first four years with the company. Four is the maximum. It means I have a lot of leave days: 24 plus 8 in total.

Oh well, time to close. Maybe not so philosophical as originally intended, more of a bumble around.

May you dream the dreams of an innocent.
Goodnight.